"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." -Albert Einstein
Welcome to open space. A place for inquiry, awe & fascination as well as the freedom to question the world- the world inside our own selves, in our homes, our communities, our hobbies, our laws, schools, food choices, medical system- the whole lot. And, of course, the perceived "out there"- lands traveled less often, distant cultures and customs, our environment, atmosphere, aliens, mystical creatures & superheros.
Live Free Or Die is a Lifestyle blog and column published in The Local, a Philadelphia based newspaper serving NW Philly areas, Germantown & East Falls. Here, it is a Blog and below you will find each article in its original extended version.
LFOD is a column about LIVING rather than just being ALIVE.
Welcome to open space. A place for inquiry, awe & fascination as well as the freedom to question the world- the world inside our own selves, in our homes, our communities, our hobbies, our laws, schools, food choices, medical system- the whole lot. And, of course, the perceived "out there"- lands traveled less often, distant cultures and customs, our environment, atmosphere, aliens, mystical creatures & superheros.
Live Free Or Die is a Lifestyle blog and column published in The Local, a Philadelphia based newspaper serving NW Philly areas, Germantown & East Falls. Here, it is a Blog and below you will find each article in its original extended version.
LFOD is a column about LIVING rather than just being ALIVE.
Live Free or Die February 2020:
Homesick for Here
In 2011, I was reborn for the first time. Birth is difficult, I hear; painful and also beautiful in the same right. I can not say that I know the physical pains of birthing a child. That said, I have felt the pains of rebirthing myself. Birth takes time and begins far before the marked event of the time that we arrive outside of the womb.
Often we perceive that once we are here, born into this world, that we do not experience birth again or death, for the matter, until “the end”. We are, in fact, always in cycles of changing form, dying and regenerating. Take, for example, our seasons of birth and vibrance, affectionately known as Spring and Summer or our seasons of death, experienced as Fall and Winter. Our earth renews in cycles that we recognize and quantify as a calendar year. Animals such as the Snake are representative as a symbol of transmutation and rebirth in some cultures because it sheds its skin over and over, growing and refreshing into a new being. According to several online sources, including Business Insider as well as Live Science, the cells of the human body are fully replaced by new cells every 7-10 years, although some cells regenerate faster than others.
Birth, death and rebirth happen energetically, spiritually and emotionally as well. My rebirth was more in these realms of existence, less in the physical sense. I am unsure of how to paint a portrait for you of the sweeping feelings, chaotic thoughts and shaking events that humbled me to my knees leading up to my rebirth- death of family, a breakup with my fiance, a transformative service trip in Guatemala, moving back home with my mother, and a deterioration of a deep relationship with one of my soul mates- note: I believe we have many in this life and that our “soul mates” serve to teach us something important.
Back then I didn’t even KNOW that what I was experiencing was rebirth. I only know now because I am feeling myself at the end of this cycle and rebirthing into someone new yet again.
This is “Homesick for Here” one of many pieces that I wrote on my phone, alone, in my room, late at night and emailed to myself back in September of 2011:
It took me a long long time to hoist the bits of my life that I hated up over my shoulders and onto the raft. It took me longer to set the raft out to sea. And even longer still to light the torch. I stood there.. on the shore of my existence, staring at all of the things that I knew I could change about my life, knew I had to change, and could not seem to bare down and do it. And then, when I finally had the balls to stand up against my own feelings about it all, I tossed the torch aboard that raft, cut the line from my shore and bid fair-well. As this life drifted out away from me, the heat from it all burned my skin and blinded my eyes. And when it was finally a twinkle in the distance as opposed to the scorching blaze of wrath that it was for so long, I turned my back to the shore line and walked away. It was then, when I could no longer feel the heat that I realized “oh my holy f*cking Christ, it really is all over” and “ I did this to me... I did this FOR me” and somehow, still, my heart aches. Prior to my even building the raft for this Viking funeral, I felt a bit homesick for here; the here that I am in now, the here AFTER I torched my life. And now that I am here, I feel home sick for the girl that didn’t even need the raft in the first place.
If you feel or have ever felt any of these ways, you just might have been in the middle of your own rebirth. Lean into the beauty that this new life can give, know that the hardship is required to get through the tunnel and new life exists on the other side.
Homesick for Here
In 2011, I was reborn for the first time. Birth is difficult, I hear; painful and also beautiful in the same right. I can not say that I know the physical pains of birthing a child. That said, I have felt the pains of rebirthing myself. Birth takes time and begins far before the marked event of the time that we arrive outside of the womb.
Often we perceive that once we are here, born into this world, that we do not experience birth again or death, for the matter, until “the end”. We are, in fact, always in cycles of changing form, dying and regenerating. Take, for example, our seasons of birth and vibrance, affectionately known as Spring and Summer or our seasons of death, experienced as Fall and Winter. Our earth renews in cycles that we recognize and quantify as a calendar year. Animals such as the Snake are representative as a symbol of transmutation and rebirth in some cultures because it sheds its skin over and over, growing and refreshing into a new being. According to several online sources, including Business Insider as well as Live Science, the cells of the human body are fully replaced by new cells every 7-10 years, although some cells regenerate faster than others.
Birth, death and rebirth happen energetically, spiritually and emotionally as well. My rebirth was more in these realms of existence, less in the physical sense. I am unsure of how to paint a portrait for you of the sweeping feelings, chaotic thoughts and shaking events that humbled me to my knees leading up to my rebirth- death of family, a breakup with my fiance, a transformative service trip in Guatemala, moving back home with my mother, and a deterioration of a deep relationship with one of my soul mates- note: I believe we have many in this life and that our “soul mates” serve to teach us something important.
Back then I didn’t even KNOW that what I was experiencing was rebirth. I only know now because I am feeling myself at the end of this cycle and rebirthing into someone new yet again.
This is “Homesick for Here” one of many pieces that I wrote on my phone, alone, in my room, late at night and emailed to myself back in September of 2011:
It took me a long long time to hoist the bits of my life that I hated up over my shoulders and onto the raft. It took me longer to set the raft out to sea. And even longer still to light the torch. I stood there.. on the shore of my existence, staring at all of the things that I knew I could change about my life, knew I had to change, and could not seem to bare down and do it. And then, when I finally had the balls to stand up against my own feelings about it all, I tossed the torch aboard that raft, cut the line from my shore and bid fair-well. As this life drifted out away from me, the heat from it all burned my skin and blinded my eyes. And when it was finally a twinkle in the distance as opposed to the scorching blaze of wrath that it was for so long, I turned my back to the shore line and walked away. It was then, when I could no longer feel the heat that I realized “oh my holy f*cking Christ, it really is all over” and “ I did this to me... I did this FOR me” and somehow, still, my heart aches. Prior to my even building the raft for this Viking funeral, I felt a bit homesick for here; the here that I am in now, the here AFTER I torched my life. And now that I am here, I feel home sick for the girl that didn’t even need the raft in the first place.
If you feel or have ever felt any of these ways, you just might have been in the middle of your own rebirth. Lean into the beauty that this new life can give, know that the hardship is required to get through the tunnel and new life exists on the other side.
Live Free Or Die December 2019:
Poison The Well
“Everytime you eat or drink, you are either feeding the disease or fighting it.” -Heather Morgan
Health is a choice that we make every single day. The bad news is, most of us don’t know that we AREN’T making healthy choices- in fact, we are being duped into thinking that we are.
Marketing has taken the place of truth when it comes to large corporations and our food. Buzz words like “natural” and “healthy” have been denatured (literally) and slapped on the front of our “food” packages. We are manipulated into buying products and increasing the profit margin of companies that do not know our names, our faces, or our families. BUT, no one is actually forcing us to buy anything, it is all our “choice”. Except, what kind of a choice is it really? We are bombarded with “food” options that when consumed over time may cause cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure, arthritis, heart attack, stroke and irritable bowel syndrome, to name a few. Which one would you like for lunch today? And would you like to upsize that for just a dollar? Sure, lets up the irritable bowel for a dollar. What a deal!
We think that by ordering the salad that we’re good- except the veggies might be genetically modified, the chicken is riddled with hormones, the fish has way less nutritional value because its farmed and fed corn (because that makes sense- no it doesn’t. It’s cheap!), and the dressing has 300 calories (minimum), tons of distorted fats and a boat load of artificial ingredients that has who knows what effects on us. YUM.
Hippocrates said “Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.” What has happened that we need medicine because of our food?! How did we go so wrong here?
It is a matter of two simple things: convenience & technology. Our world is fast and we need to keep up. We attempt to multitask at any moment possible; driving and texting (STOP), performing more than one task at work at a time, and of course, eating on the go. We also carry computers in our pockets and are exploring space; technology is what we do.
Now, “foods” on the go share similar qualities- they need to be consistent, quick and accessible. Before a more recent surge in “healthy” fast food options, our run of the mill fast food opportunities were also cheap. But those options are not inexpensive by any means. In the moment, you pay less cash up front, but over time (and not that much time according to some food based documentaries available on Netflix) the toll taken on your health is massive. When considering the cost of western medicine and “health” insurance, eating fast doesn’t save you anything, rather it becomes MORE expensive.
Now let’s say that you don’t eat “fast food”, but you do eat out often- do you know what the ingredients are? Do you know where they are sourced? Do you know how they were processed (meats), preserved (pickled goods, sauces) or how old they are (veggies and fruit)? Do you know what is in season? What about shopping at a food store, do you ever actually read the crazy sh*t on the ingredient lists? When buying your veggies, have you ever seen the farm that they grow on or know the names of the people picking your food from the ground? Do you know any of these answers?? Probably not.
How did we become so disconnected from our food? How have we accepted this disconnected and ILL system to be our norm? More importantly, what do we do to get out of this systematic slow poisoning? To start, vote for the systems you believe in and value with how you spend your money. Find your nearest farmer’s market and shop there instead of ‘Agenda Market’ or ‘McCancers’. It’s actually LESS expensive overall. Get to know the people who grow your veggies and raise your chickens. Commune with your neighbors and share recipes. Forget google and call your grandma for a recipe! Can’t cook? Learn. Be an advocate for yourself. Heal yourself. Live in vibrance. Check out the East Falls Farmers Market every Saturday 10-2. Not close to East Falls? Visit www.FarmToCity.org for an extensive list of markets near you.
Live Free Or Die September 2019:
I Live with a Thief
Raise your hand if you have ever stolen something. Fine, THINK about raising your hand if you have ever stolen something EVER. Cosmetics, candy, over the counter medication. These are examples of some of the most commonly stolen items. How about skipping out on the check?
Stealing is something that many of us do regularly. Most of us are also completely unaware that we are doing it (if you read last month’s column, give self-study a try!). Some of us simply just don’t care that we are doing it or we think its “OK” because the thing that we are stealing isn’t “illegal” to steal- like a parking spot or a place in line to see God is an Astronaut (coming next month friends, get your tickets).
Asteya (pronounced ah-stay-yah) is a practice in yoga that translates to ‘non-stealing’. Asteya goes beyond the candy or the spot in line. Did you know that you can steal time?! For example, have you been stopped by someone who wants to talk to you about something and they just go on and on without any consideration as to what you are in the middle of doing or where you need to go next? Do they even ask you if you have a moment to spare for them (when you really do not)? This is a prime example of someone stealing your time. How about that boss who habitually asks you to stay late, but you’re not getting paid, it is beyond doing favors at this point and half of the stuff you are asked to do could be a completely separate job of its own? Yep, he’s a thief! OR how about stealing thunder- like the family member who will combust if she isn’t the center of attention, but it’s your wedding day? Last example- when you are in the middle of what is SUPPOSED to be a conversation, but everytime you try to start or finish a sentence, you can’t because the other person is cutting you off. Thief! There are far too many examples of how we steal from others.
We also steal from ourselves more than we steal from anyone else simply because we are with ourselves more than we are with anyone else. We will rob ourselves of the opportunity to be fully immersed in a moment because we are busy with the “list” that never ends. Yoga and meditation are not just making shapes and learning to calm the f*** down (although it is very helpful). These are practices to learn how to LIVE your life with intention. This one principle, along with others like the self-study practice (Svadhyaya) from last month, allows you to uncover beautiful gifts that we all have to share and discover deep and purposeful meaning in every single day. But, these principles also allow for us to bring into focus some of our worst fears, dark corners that we may be ashamed of and unresolved issues. Are you willing to face your demons? This is all part of the human experience and it can, if you choose, wind up being a magical experience.
So, how can you tear off the robber’s mask? Today, when in a conversation, practice listening rather than chiming in. Hold space for another person to talk and notice your urges. Notice how you manage your time. Are you constantly running late or cutting it close? Not only are you robbing yourself by rushing around and missing out on presence, you may not be honoring another’s time by making them wait for you. Be more spacious with schedule today- 5 minutes more here and there will not break your day! Now, after all of that, have you ever stolen something? If your hand isn’t raised, not only are you a thief, but you may also be a liar ;)
Live Free Or Die August 2019:
Speechless
“Saying nothing… sometimes says the most.” -Emily Dickinson
So many times we talk just for the sake of talking; to fill awkward silence or to seem sociable, knowledgeable and engaged. But what if we were to just STOP TALKING?
There are many teachings, in many traditions about speaking or not speaking. Remember the good old rule of thumb from childhood, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all?” (Because most people forget about that one). Or how about the Dalai Lama’s quote, “When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen you may learn something new.”
If you read last month’s column on “The Art of Sucking; How to be the BEST Beginner Possible”, you are familiar with my observations that people do not want to be beginners. We do not want to “not know” about a topic (even if we really have absolutely no clue). We always want to seem like we know what’s up. The topic of excessive talking is highly related to that. But it does go deeper.
Becasue we do not want to seem incompitant or ”stupid”, we would rather be incensere and talk when really we should listen. Most of us do not even know that we are doing it, so it is not a purposeful incenserity. Rather, it is a lack of self study.
Self study is a practice in Yoga called Svadhyaya (pronounced Svahd-he-yah-yah, super fun to say). Svadhyaya is the fourth Niyama of Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras. The practice of self study has the potential to engage us in our highest purposes and live our most authentic lives. Authenticity, though, does mean that we must be aware of who we are, what we are doing, why we are doing it and owning it.
Bruce Lee said ,“To know oneself is to study oneself in action with another person.”
There are many who believe that after a certain age you just stop learning or can not learn about oneself (thee old “can’t teach an old dog new tricks” bit). WRONG. The deeper truth, is that we usually just stop wanting, believing or TRYING to learn and therefore we stop.
My challenge for you is this:
When you choose to speak, consider these three questions before you do:
Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?
These questions are considered “gates” that your words must pass through before entering the world outside of yourself. Various versions can be found in Buddhist teachings and elsewhere if you simply search “3 Gates”. But you may have seen it show up as a Rumi quote. Try this out for an hour, a day, or even a whole week and see what comes up. Write it down in a journal and reflect. This is a beautiful and simple way to begin or continue a Svadhyaya practice. Happy gate-keeping!
Live Free Or Die July 2019
The Art of Sucking: How to be the BEST Beginner Possible!
Starting something new can get the butterflies fluttering in your stomach. It can be both scary and exhilarating all in one whirling moment. But sometimes you stop yourself from trying new things for fear of “being a beginner”. It seems as though no one wants to be one of “those” these days.
Close your eyes for a moment and visualize yourself standing at the foot of a large mountain, knowing that you must go over, through or around it somehow...How do you approach the mountain? Do you see it as a towering mass of jagged horror OR a beauteous course of wonder to climb, explore and enjoy?
When approaching new opportunities with a sense of excitement, you will find ability, confidence, power, and endless possibilities. Being a beginner is actually one of the most wonderful places you can be because of the boundless potential! And yes, when you start, you will probably suck. And you’re supposed to! It takes wobbly legs and uncertainty to BUILD fundamental foundations; and you can’t spell fundamentals without FUN.
Being “really good” at something, on the other hand, can send you tumbling into complacency and stagnation. Methods and practices that have the ringing reverberation of “this works” becomes sharpened and in focus. Blindness to possibilities for the future sets in and you just might miss greatness in your peripheral vision.
A few years back, I actually wrote a beginner’s workshop all about this topic (it’s still in my archives and it is literally titled “The Art of Sucking: How to be the BEST Beginner Possible”) as it pertains to beginning a yoga practice. I sent it out to 4 different studios and guess what? No one picked it up. Some studios thought I should change the language because it could turn people off. That’s when it really struck me; if I hadn’t noticed it before, I saw clearly then. No one wanted to be a beginner and no one even wanted to have a conversation about what being a beginner can actually feel like.
Respectfully, SUCKING was and is my entire point. We are all adults here and are capable of gracefully facing the very fact that sometimes we do just suck at something, no cushions. And SO WHAT. It doesn’t mean that you will suck forever. What it does mean is that sucking/ sliding/falling/ and perhaps even embarrassing yourself doesn’t stop you from expanding yourself, trying new things, having fun and being a beginner again.
Dave Grohl said that Nirvana only became Nirvana because a bunch of kids got together, had some fun, and sucked a whole lot…. for a long time.
Enjoying only the things that you are good at is a great recipe for staying the same and not growing. Ever. Wanna grow? Find something new and suck at it until you don’t. And yes, you can enjoy doing things that you suck at. I’m sure you know someone who can not hold a pitch but it doesn’t stop them from belting it out. Good for them! What are your excuses for why you can not or will not or have not done X?
Spoiler alert: YOU ARE THE MOUNTAIN. Not your “circumstances”, not your “disabilities”, “lack of this” or whatever else. You. You are the only thing standing in your way. Get over, through or around yourself. You got this!
Live Free Or Die June 2019:
Breakdown or Breakthrough?
Einstein said that “In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."
A few weekends back, my boyfriend and I were about to go for our weekly bike ride to the Italian Market in South Philly. We were geared up with backpacks to mule our goods back home, our water bottles were filled and the bikes were outside. My front tire was low, so my better half ran back up to the apartment to grab our bike pump. Ten minutes later, it didn’t work; and I had even less air in my tire.
“We have a backup!” He runs three floors up and down again with the second bike pump and…. it was a repeat. BOTH of our air pumps were busted.
I was feeling pretty prickly and hot with frustration by now. The whole day had been unexpectedly complicated. Like “the clouds formed a big middle finger the moment I stepped outside” kind of day (I know you’ve seen that meme!). We were FINALLY just able to hang out with each other and ride our sweet bikes into town.
But no.
ME: “F*** this stupid f****** day! With this beautiful sunshine, smiling in my f****** face and these two pieces of f******* s*** pumps not doing their f****** job…..” On and on. I was serious. “F*** the sun for being so amazing.”
We decided to just take quick (and careful) detour to Cadence Bicycles, get our tires pumped and then head down to South Philly.
Just a few blocks into our detour, I see two familiar figures perched along the wall on the river. Pedaling closer, I realized that it was our friends. The four of us have not been able to be in the same place for well over a year because of our crazy schedules- touring musician, teacher, general contractor & business owner... The set up of a bar joke; but that was later.
My attitude took a turn. I was reminded of the story of a Taoist Farmer whose horse ran away. His neighbors sympathetically exclaimed at his misfortune, but the farmer remained unswayed and only replied “maybe”. The next day the horse returned, bringing a few more horses with him. The neighbors joyfully exclaimed at his luck and the farmer remained unswayed, again only replying “maybe”. His son then rode one of the wild horses and broke his leg. “How unlucky!” But when the army came to draft young healthy men for the war and passed him by, “his luck has returned”, exclaimed the neighbor.
This isn’t about luck, good days, bad days, or feeling bad about feeling bad (which is a neat thing I do, more on THAT another time.) It’s about the unfolding of life moment to moment. Do we DARE to sit in acceptance of it rather than being jolted around by polarizing emotions. IF my tire wasn’t flat, IF both of our stupid f****** bike pumps did their jobs, IF my day was “easy” and things just “went my way”, we wouldn’t have taken the detour that led us to our friends. Our entire beautiful day wouldn’t have happened as it did, and I would have stayed mad at the sun. So, what are the difficult “busted bike pumps” in your world right now? What are you viewing as an obstacle that could in fact be an opportunity for something even BETTER than what you had originally planned? Do you dare to sit unswayed, especially when others may view your circumstances as “good” or “bad”? Can you let go of the notion of what IF? Welcome to Live Free or Die- A monthly column on LIVING rather than just being ALIVE.
Live Free Or Die May 2019:
The Column Launches
For those of you who have roots in the North (yes, it IS a GOT reference!), have an interest in American History, or perhaps just like road trips, the phrase “Live Free or Die” may present a familiarity.
Almost a decade ago, I sat on my friend’s kitchen counter, a bottle of wine in hand and my eyeballs, barely working in union, floated around the room to the bathroom door. I popped off the counter, handed her the bottle (who needs extra dishes when a bottle can be shared!) and took another trip to the loo. But this particular time, I saw it. Clearly, I saw it; hanging on her bathroom wall.
Her New Hampshire license plate from a few years back when she called NH her home, was dangling its infinite wisdom in front of me.
“Live Free or Die” I said out loud. Again and probably one more time, I said it. Such a simple phrase of four easy words that presented me with a choice. Because, you see, we are all trapped and bound sometimes; clawing and scratching to get OUT of wherever it is that we think we are. And I was STUCK in my life; confused, uncertain, insecure; on the verge of either breaking down or breaking loose to free myself- but I hadn’t made any definitive choices about my STUCKNESS.
The New Hampshire Motto struck a chord with me. It was not the first chord nor was it my last call to action to ‘live free’, whatever that meant, I hadn’t quite figured that out yet. I had never even been to NH! But NH had come to me.
In my research on the origin of the state’s motto, I came across an article, part of which I will share with you:
According to Joe Bills in his March 5th, 2019 article “Live Free or Die” | The Story of the New Hampshire Motto, “The NH motto derives from a letter written by General John Stark on July 31, 1809. Stark (too perfect-couldn’t have planned this GOT reference) was a New Hampshire–born war hero, having served as an officer in the British army during the French and Indian War and a major general of the Continental Army during the American Revolution…”
“Thirty-two years later, Stark, then in failing health, was invited to a reunion of Battle of Bennington veterans, but he was not well enough to travel. He sent a letter in reply, noting that he’d never forget the troops he commanded in Bennington…”
“As an afterword to the letter, Stark included a brief passage to be read as a toast to the veterans: “Live free or die. Death is not the greatest of evils.” (To learn more and read the full article, visit newengland.com or check out this link to the full article https://newengland.com/today/living/new-england-history/live-free-or-die-new-hampshire-motto/ )
In many parts of history, we have all been working to free ourselves in some way or another. Whether it is freeing ourselves from literal slavery, freeing ourselves from karma, sin, financial burdens, relationships, sexism, racism, emotional tethers, self loathing, drug addictions, food addictions, natural disasters, disease, annoying family members, traffic on 76- name it! Freedom is what we want.
So…...What’s your ‘license plate in the bathroom’ moment? The one single moment among many that could have been forgotten years ago but never was? Like something or someone was speaking to you so clearly that you inherently knew in your gut and you recognized the truth immediately?
“FREE YOURSELF.”
Six months later at my birthday party, I unwrapped a gift from my friend.. Eyeballs floating again (it was early college people) and there it was! That NH license plate...
It has been hanging on many walls in all of the places that I have called home for the last ten years…
Welcome to Live Free or Die- A monthly column on LIVING rather than just being ALIVE.
